Sept 2,

Police in Framingham , Massachusetts , were hot on the trail of an armed robbery suspect when their canine officer pointed out a homeless man. Edward J. Brown wasn't the crook they were looking for, but he did admit to stealing meat from a local store and hiding it in his pants. Brown was arrested and Lt. Paul Shastany said of the K-9 cop, "The dog must have smelled a tasty dinner in his pants." Well hell, I'm in trouble cuz there's always meat in MY pants baby! BOING!

A 23-year-old Alabama man was getting happy at the Crestview Hooters. After his waitress reminded him of the $188 bar tab he'd rung up, the guy told her not to worry and that he would pay for it. She should've worried. When the waitress went back to his table after giving him the check, he was gone. Perhaps hoping she would join him later, the guy had mentioned to her that he was staying at the Super 8 Motel. The waitress didn't join him there later, but police officers did. Police found him in his room, lying on his back, on the floor, under the bed. He was arrested and charged with resisting an officer without violence and retail theft.

You say you just want to cuddle? If you live near Washington , DC , you may want to be careful what you wish for as the infamous "Georgetown Cuddler" may be back at it again. The creepy guy sneaks into homes of sleeping women and joins them for a cuddle and a feel before fleeing. Ya know, in the late 90's I was known as the “point-of-the-montain cuddler”. I love prison jokes. Don't you?

Sept 1,

Auckland , New Zealand 's Ming Fu Hu is suing Coca-Cola after a bottle of orange juice fermented and then exploded. A piece of the glass struck him in the eye and he's been told that he probably won't recover his full vision. The good news for Ming is that Coca Cola offered to settle with him. They offered him a case of the same orange juice and $200 worth of grocery coupons. However, upon further review, Coca Cola said they weren't liable and withdrew the offer. Ya know, I had the ming fu hu last night at pf chang's, gave me gas something awful. Good thing darby's on vacation.

The mugging careers of Pittsburgh 's Brent Potter and Bryant Rather have been put on hold. The two men approached Carnegie-Mellon University student Can Duruk, flashed what looked like a gun and demanded his wallet, PIN and iPhone. While muggers generally aren't Mensa candidates, knowing that one of the cool iPhone features is a built in GPS device might've been good to know. Had they known, Duruk wouldn't have been able to help police track the two to a nearby drive-in where they were arrested. Where they pulled the 2 boys from the back seat of their car with their pants at their ankles, I'm guessing.

If you like to compare notes on bad dates, if you do it with the ex-girlfriend of Detroit 's Terrance Dejuan McCoy, you'll lose. The unnamed woman picked McCoy up at his apartment and they went to dinner. After eating, McCoy asked for her car keys so he could go get his wallet. She then saw him get in her car and drive off at a high rate of speed. Gone with the car were a laptop computer, iPod, digital camera and $300 cash, although he did leave her with the check. However, McCoy was soon captured thanks to the fact that she had his cell phone number and had taken a picture of him, which she shared with police. The two have since become engaged to be married. Hey, that match.com really works!

Some old people tell you to get off their lawn. Then there's Fulton , Missouri 's 69-year-old Judy Davis. Judy was arrested after she went onto the runway of her neighborhood airport and fired a gun, forcing a plane to abort its landing. Judy told investigators that she'd had quite enough of that damn Rodan and his humongous pterodactyl droppings.

Never send a stupid woman to do a stupid man's job. An unidentified woman went into the Central Kansas Credit Union branch in South Hutchinson and demanded money. When the teller asked her how much money she wanted, the woman replied 'The entire contents of your drawer.' Then, the teller asked if she had an account with them. When the woman said she didn't, the teller then said she couldn't help her. The woman then said she'd send her boyfriend back with a weapon before leaving empty-handed. On the way out, a secutiry guard tazed her back to the stone age

Not knowing when to shut up was Euless , Texas ' Christopher Norman and Keith Black. They scored$59,000 in cash and jewels during a home burglary. Next up was an extravagant spending spree, where they bought a Nissan on eBay and a Cadillac Eldorado, stayed at expensive hotels, bought clothes and jewelry, marijuana and gold grills for their teeth. However, when they bragged about their score, they became victims of an attempted robbery. Unfortunately, the ensuing gun battle drew police to their home who immediately tazed everyone sterile

The family that drinks together, goes to the clink together. When Las Vegas ' Eusebio Aguilar got blitzed at a local bar, he handed the car keys to his designated driver. The story would've had a happy ending had that driver not been Aguilar's 11-year old son, Jonathan. The happy ending took a wrong turn with Jonathan's abrupt maneuver onto a dirt road that caught the attention of police. Jonathan says it's kind of sad what happened to his dad but he misses him since he got locked up but adds that it was fun watchin the cops “taze his dad into the next dimension”. Cool!

Bosnia 's Miroslav Miljici wanted revenge after blaming his mother-in-law for the break-up of his marriage. While he didn't get revenge, it wasn't for a lack of trying. Miroslav first tried to kill his mother-in-law with an anti-tank missile, but she survived the rocket attack on her home. He then tried to finish her off with a machine gun, but she also survived that attack with barely a scratch. The good news is that Miroslav won't have to listen to his mother's nagging for the next six years that he's in jail. His mother in law says : “you can't kill what's already dead”

Any tagger will tell you that a highway center divider makes for a fine canvas. Nearly every tagger will tell you that while tagging in said location it's very important to look out for oncoming vehicles. Well, most any tagger except for Riverside , California 's Blake Locko. The 17-year-old Blake was spray painting the center divider of Highway 60 when he was struck by several cars and killed.

Tagger? I hardly know her! Blake Locko told doctors “you can't kill…”

38-year-old Craig Allard was pulled over by Maine State Police on a routine traffic stop. However, that routine stop soon became very non-routine after the trooper found heroin in Craig's car. Craig was handcuffed and put in a cruiser, but apparently not wanting a complimentary room at the gray bar hotel, Craig broke free and began to run. Craig didn't get far was he was almost immediately hit by the side mirror of a truck and died at the scene.

Appearantly there ARE things worse than jail time. Craig told reporters “tag her, I hardly know her”

The parents of a Manchester , England , teenager received a letter from their daughter's high school saying she needs to improve her attendance or she couldn't go to the prom. Her mother Margaret Gillan said, "Megan would have loved going to the prom. She planned to go with a group of friends, she was really looking forward to it." However, Megan's mom says she had a good excuse for skipping class. She died in January.

Megan had this to say “ you can't kill what's already dead”

Here's a little tip for aspiring kidnappers. After abducting your victim and while waiting for the ransom to be paid, sleep in shifts. This would've been valuable career advice for a couple of kidnappers in Sweden . After abducting their two victims and taking them to a barricaded hotel room, they fired two shots in their direction to show they meant business and threatened to cut off one of the man's fingers. However, after six hours in the room, the kidnappers fell asleep and the victims were able to escape to a nearby gas station and call police. It was later revealed that the would-be victims started singing mailow tunes, sending the kidnappers into a coma from which they've yet to awaken.

In Oak Lawn , Illinois , a 17-year-old girl and 41-year-old man thought they had found the perfect target in 61-year-old Nancy Kelly. While dining out, the pair swiped her purse, but Nancy gave chase. Nancy quickly caught up with them, fought the suspects and even punched the girl in the face and pulled her hair. The scuffle spilled into the parking lot of the restaurant and soon other patrons joined in. When it was all over Nancy had her purse and wallet back. The crooks were soon arrested and their little caper may have been more successful if they hadn't targeted Sergeant Nancy Kelly of the Cook County Sheriffs Department. In the TV movie, ms Kelly willl be played by: chuck Norris. What?

n Germany , it wasn't fun, fun, fun on the autobahn for one 35-year-old man. He was driving drunk when he collided with a large truck at high speed. Sadly, the accident killed his 35-year-old passenger. The driver wasn't too drunk to know he was in serious trouble, so he came up with a plan. The driver pulled the dead passenger behind the steering wheel and told officers his friend had been driving. That might have worked had the driver's side of the car not been undamaged, while the passenger side was destroyed or had the driver of the truck not watched the whole thing and ratted him out. I just can't imagine moving around a dead body. It's like “weekend at adoph's “ oh damn, I forgot the arm! The driver's wife told police “my husband is not a killer, he is a fighter” oh wait that's Russian, same deal.

26-year-old Travis Munroe Townsend, of Glendale , Arizona , didn't think things all the way through after a speed enforcement camera caught him exceeding the limit on a freeway. Travis approached the camera with a pickax and began swinging. While the camera also likely captured the attack on film, it turns out that a motorcycle officer parked under an overpass heard the attack. In addition to a speeding ticket, Travis is now looking at several felony and misdemeanor charges. Travis, I think it's time to switch to decaf.

Tampa's Juan Carlos Alvarez-Lopez was arguing with his cousin, who lives with him. No word on what the two were arguing about, but it was enough for Juan to grab a machete and try to stab the unidentified cousin in the stomach. Cousin snatched the weapon away and then they used their fists. Police later found Juan passed out beneath a car and the cousin awake with minor cuts to his stomach and hands. By now you've probably correctly assumed that alcohol was involved. Where I come from, we call that Barracho y Loco. And of course, I come from Midvale.

Apparently dying with a smile on his face was one customer at Bonn , Germany 's Beate Uhse sex shop. A staff member became suspicious when there was no sign of movement in the video booth long after the man's time ran out. When she knocked on the door and got no response she unlocked the booth to find the guy dead in the chair. Authorities say that “plump boobs and hot thighs” were apparently too much for the 54-year-old man's heart. “Hey Beavis, he beat himself to death, he stroked himself out”

If you're looking for a good lawyer, ask Edmonton 's Stephen Foster for the name of his attorney. Stephen was on trial for DUI this week and testified that he drank four beers at work, threw the empties into his car and drove home. On his way home, police pulled him over after they saw him fishtailing and weaving through traffic. Foster was arrested after failing a field sobriety test and was originally scheduled to go on trial last June, but the court date was postponed when he showed up drunk before the judge. Despite all that, Foster was found not guilty. Wait, what?

Students at New Zealand 's St. Peter's College recently rented a hall and threw a party. Like many college parties, this one had booze and lots of it. By the time it was over, thousands of dollars in damage had been done to the hall, bottles were thrown at passing cars and into a neighboring playground. And where did the kids get the money to buy all that booze? They managed to appropriate funds from the Students Against Driving Drunk committee. Well, at least they didn't drive, I guess.

A clerk at the Pricestone Sunoco in Alsace Township , Pennsylvania , recently foiled a not-so-daring robbery attempt. A would-be robber walked into the place wearing a paper plate over his face and mumbled a demand for money. The clerk then told the guy that that he had to remove his paper mask before she could serve him and that the silent alarm had been activated and police were on their way. With that, Plate Face left empty handed and, but, the cool thing is that he will now and forever be known as Plate Face.

Some people have to jiggle their toilet handle to stop it from running, others have to hold the handle to keep it from blowing up. At least that's what one man pretending to be a water company employee told an elderly woman in Jersey City , New Jersey , she had to do to prevent an explosion. While she gripped the handle, he gripped the $3,650 in cash that she kept in a metal box and made his escape. Aww, that's not very nice, someone need to punch that guy right in the junk!

You may remember the story of the world's fattest man getting married earlier this month. Manuel Uribe and his bride are likely a much happier couple now that they have finally managed to consummate the marriage after friends built them a “sex ramp”. The three-foot concrete reinforced ramp allows Manuel to raise the lower half of his, ugh, hang on, I just threw up in my mouth.

Rochester , Pennsylvania 's John Black bound his neighbor Henry Schmitt Jr. with duct tape, doused him with gasoline and threatened to set him on fire unless he confessed to burglarizing his house. Schmitt lives in a trailer on Black's property and he eventually let him go without lighting his fire. Police say they found no evidence that Schmitt committed the crime, but they did have plenty of evidence against Black, who they charged with burglary, aggravated assault, unlawful restraint and related crimes. He has since been pardoned by president bush and hire to work as an interrogator at Guantanamo bay.

Behold the power of cheese! Several masked men entered a Berlin supermarket and told a cashier to hand over the loot. However, the 50-year-old clerk instead grabbed packs of cheese from a nearby deli counter and started pelting the robbers, hitting one of them smack in the face with a very ripe gorgonzola. One customer noted it must have been like getting a dose of natural CS gas. The robbers fled the store empty handed. Cheese and Rice! That's how all my mormon friends swear.

After Indiana state police arrested a mother on DUI charges, they called relatives to come pick up her 1-year-old son. The boy's father arrived to pick him up, but officers determined he was also intoxicated and arrested him on DUI charges. The boy's grandparents then arrived. They also had been drinking, but the grandmother was still under the legal limit, so officers escorted them home with the child. Ya know, they do say that alcoholism is a genetically passed disease much like stupidity.

In Washington , DC , a Secret Service agent was apparently looking to do a little off duty bodyguard work. The body in question was that of a hooker. After approaching the woman in his Secret Service vehicle and in uniform, they began their negotiations. After agreeing on a price for oral sex, she told the agent to meet her around the corner. Unfortunately, he had fallen for the old undercover police officer posing as a prostitute trick and he was arrested by D.C. police officers. His secret service code name has since been chanv\ged to bill Clinton . “hey, I was just demonstrating how I could shield the president with my body!

Sarah Palin is under fire after the Republicans spent $150,000 on new clothes for her. In all fairness to Sarah, when you shop at Neiman-Marcus, $150,000 only gets you one new outfit.

John McCain and the Republicans have $84 million to spend before Election Day. You know what that means. Sarah Palin gets to go clothes shopping again.

It's reported that Sarah Palin's handlers are preventing her from reading newspapers so she won't see any bad news. However, Sarah couldn't name any of the newspapers she's not allowed to read.

It's reported that John McCain may skip his own election-night party. Apparently McCain found out the party was being held at the same time Matlock comes on.

It's reported that John McCain may skip his own election-night party. That would be a shame because it would really disappoint his supporter.

Lindsay Lohan was reportedly kicked off the TV show Ugly Betty because of a scene where Lindsay and Betty had to pull each other's pants down. Apparently after that Lindsay wanted to have sex with Betty.

Lindsay Lohan was reportedly kicked off the TV show Ugly Betty because her dressing room got trashed. You have to admit this is a step in the right direction. It used to be the only thing that got trashed was Lindsay.

Michael Jackson went shopping in West Hollywood yesterday. Everyone thought Michael bought a new Halloween costume until they remembered he always looks like that.

The girlfriend of 20-year-old Brian Hoover, of Altoona , Pennsylvania , bet him that he wouldn't go to a convenience store and buy cigarettes while dressed in a gorilla outfit. Brian won the bet, but lost in the long run. When police saw a gorilla walking down the street it caught their attention. Upon further investigation they discovered that Brian was wanted for receiving stolen property and placed him under arrest. The cops are now under investigation for species profiling. Not really

Constance Saikaley and boyfriend James Halprin went to Shakespeare's English Pub in Sarasota , Florida, to have a little fun. However, the evening didn't end as James might have hoped. The two got into an argument outside the pub and Constance ran James over with her car. Constance then got out of the car and told James to quit "faking" his injuries. Apparently James wasn't faking as he died from those injuries and Constance was charged with DUI manslaughter. So it was a face on Constance then, right?

Here's one family you don't want to compete against in a mother-daughter pageant. An unnamed 31-year-old Victorville , California , mother took her 12-year-old daughter to a local park to fight another 12-year-old girl. However, when mom saw that her little snowflake was losing the battle, she jumped in and allegedly grabbed the other girl's hair and slapped her in the face. Mom was arrested for investigation corporal injury to a child. I didn't know tawya harding had any kids, did you?

Life really sucks for one, thankfully for him, unnamed 29-year-old Swan Creek Township, Michigan man. While he may have passed on the hot wax, the man was arrested by police who found him "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash. The suspect is being held in the Saginaw County Jail. He made his one call from jail to the vacuum because he couldn't feel good about not at least calling since he couldn't afford flowers

Here's a tip for all aspiring strong arm robbers. When choosing a victim, make sure that person is someone you can overpower. That would've been a handy morsel of information for one would-be robber in Warren , Michigan . After robbing the victim of $50, the crook began to flee. However, he didn't get far before his victim tackled him from behind, put him in a chokehold and demanded his cash back. The thief was so frightened that he not only gave the victim his $50 back, he kicked in another $30 of his own money before fleeing successfully. See kids, I don't care how old he is, you shouldn't try to rob chuck Norris. He can STILL kick your ass.

Some people just take their job way too seriously. A parking enforcement officer in southern Sweden was recently seen issuing a ticket to an illegally parked car. The car in question was a police car. A marked police car. The marked patrol car was parked in front of a bank while the officers were inside answering a call regarding an armed robbery. A passer-by asked the meter man if he was aware that there had just been a bank robbery and he replied: 'I couldn't give a crap.' However, giving a crap was the meter man's supervisor, who had the meter man rip up the ticket, do 50 push ups and listen to the entire Abba greatest hits record, ya know, cuz it's Sweden.

Following the story about how a moose in New Hampshire got it on with a red Ford F-150 in a parking lot, comes word that this wasn't the first time he's driven a Ford. New Hampshire's Pat Barnaby says that what one would have to be the same moose took a shine to her Ford van. Pat says Bullwinkle spent about an hour in her yard, refusing to budge even after police and the animal control officer showed up. Pat says, "He was at the back end of my van with his head on the roof, sliding it back and forth. Then he was nuzzling the back window. He was at the car about 10 to 15 minutes with the cruisers' lights trained on him." Who knows if it was a one night stand, but Pat will always have the memories as she captured the romantic interlude on film “hey Rocky, watch me get it on with this mini-van” the owner of the minivan was really upset when, a week later, the moose hadn't even called.

In Malaysia , two men successfully completed step one of their plan to hijack a security van with $1.3 million inside. Unfortunately, step two didn't go so well. After hijacking the van, they soon discovered their small getaway vehicle wasn't big enough to carry all of the loot and they were forced to abandon more than half the cash. Still, the robbers and their tiny getaway car are at large with $524,000. Evidently the smarte car, not so F ing smart. Huh? Oooh faced!

Middletown , Ohio 's Michelle Allen was arrested this week on charges of being disorderly in public. Of course, it all depends on what you consider disorderly. Michelle apparently thought nothing of chasing neighborhood kids and relieving herself on a neighbor's front porch and doing so while wearing a cow suit. Allen was arrested after an officer found her causing traffic problems on a nearby road and, not surprisingly, the arresting officer noted Michelle smelled of alcohol. When Michelle's parents found out, they totally had a cow man! I stole that joke from the B 98.7 files. Sorry.

omorrow night's debate isn't the only exposure Sarah Palin is getting. Hanging in Chicago 's Old Town Ale House is a nude portrait of Sarah. If that's not creepy enough for you, it's about to get creepier. The model Bruce used for his nude portrait – his teenage daughter. Despite political differences, Elliott admits to having a bit of a crush on Palin and it's been good for business. Since word of the portrait got out, people have flocked to the bar to take cell phone pictures.

Philadelphia police say three gunmen entered a local Dunkin' Donuts, demanded money from the employees and fled with $500 in cash. In what is likely a major break in the case, one of the suspects was wearing a Dunkin' Donuts shirt and police also believe one of the men may have filled out a job application at the shop and have a name and address on file. That's pretty risky, knocking over a donut shop. Cuz ya know, they're usually filled with cops ha! Sorry, I stole that one from fisher and todd.

An unidentified woman walked into the Roslyn Savings Bank in Centereach , New York , last Thursday looking to make an unauthorized withdrawal. The woman walked into the bank located inside a supermarket and handed the teller a note demanding cash and threatening to open fire with a gun if the teller didn't comply.

The teller responded by asking her, “Are you serious”? Apparently she wasn't. The woman turned around and walked out empty handed. But then she stopped at the door, turned around and yelled “psyche!”

In Edmonton , two people allegedly stole a large amount of cash, a laptop computer and other items from a man's vehicle. The two people might be enjoying their ill-gotten gain now if they hadn't made one little strategic error. The two thieves called the owner of the vehicle and offered to sell him his stuff back. As you might guess, after arranging a meeting with the suspects, the victim invited the police to join the rendezvous and the couple was arrested. Which is what Joel should have done in the movie “risky business” remember that one? “Joel get off the babysitter”